One Shot Wonders
by dairitsata
Summary: A series of bleach one shots by various different authors. Most of them are cracktastic, with copious amounts of BL thrown in. Generally crack pairings invovled. Theoretically funny. Well, we all laughed. Rated M for some of the more smutty ones.
1. Don't Get Above Your Station

_Written by DAISUKE for a challenge by Ritsuki. You should see hers (actually you will)._

_Rated: T for implications and I think there's a swearword or two in there._

_Just so you know, I don't ship this pairing…. Well, I do, but not in this way._

* * *

DON'T GET ABOVE YOUR STATION

Another boring meeting, thought Grimmjow, sipping his tea. Another boring meeting about something he really couldn't care a toss about. He stared into the murky liquid and sighed. This wasn't what he imagined an espada's life would be like. Where was the action, the excitement? There wasn't even any sex. Well, there were opportunities for sex. That Loly girl, annoying bitch, wouldn't leave him alone. Could she not tell he clearly wasn't bothered with her? One of these days he was gonna cero her face off.  
He looked up, to see the arrancar opposite him listening intently to Aizen's every word. The arrancar that he had so often thought about. If only he could get that person alone, all the things that he'd like to do to him. Put some emotion on that face.  
Ulquiorra noticed Grimmjow looking at him in a funny way. He had noticed for some time now that Grimmjow appeared a little overinterested in him. Ulquiorra quite liked his subordinate in a weird way. He hated his attitude to Aizen-sama, how he constantly disobeyed orders, how he always swore, and had that irritating swagger. But he thought that Grimmjow himself was… what was a word to use? Ulquiorra's vocabulary didn't have words like 'fit as' or 'bufftingz'. But if it did then those would be the words he would use.  
After the meeting Ulquiorra headed towards his quarters. He pretended not to notice the sexta espada tailing him.  
He stopped outside his door, and waited. He felt Grimmjow's reitsu as a strong hand was placed on his shoulder.  
"Hey Ulquiorra, I noticed you were bored at the meeting." sneered Grimmjow. Ulquiorra batted the hand away in annoyance. "I was not bored, I was paying attention. The bored one was you."  
"Well, yeah, this place is shit boring." He replaced his hand, and let his other run down his superior's side. "I have an idea to make it more interesting though." He said, studying Ulquiorra's face intently. Was that a blush?  
Ulquiorra wasn't too keen on this predicament. Grimmjow was behaving a little bit dominant. He was the cuarta, Grimmjow was the sexta, that meant that he was dominant over Grimmjow. Maybe he could use this opportunity to show Grimmjow that.  
"Fine. Show me what you mean by … interesting." He said, and opened the door…  
Once inside the room, they made no hesitations. They didn't even bother to kiss as Grimmjow tore off both of their clothes as quickly as he could. He pressed the other espada against a wall and lifted him up so that their hips were level.  
Suddenly he found himself flying backwards. He landed with a thud on the floor.  
"Grimmjow, are you forgetting that I outrank you? As long as this fact remains, there is absolutely no way that I will be the uke." Grimmjow's eyes widened as the horrible truth dawned on him. He was so not uke material.  
"Wait Ulquiorra, I don't consent. I DON'T CONSENT!" he screamed as the smaller espada began to walk over to him.

* * *

"Well Grimmjow? Was that interesting enough for you?"  
That mocking voice! Grimmjow really despised its owner right now. How DARE he! Grimmjow was the ultimate seme. But… a thought was nagging him in the back of his mind.  
"Actually…" he began hesitantly "that wasn't all that bad."


	2. Hotting up in the Hospital

_The wonderful crack pairing that is RenIshi! Oh dear. Assigned by Daisuke to someone who was so ashamed she didn't want credit. It wasn't Sayaka or Takerou. None of us ship this pairing btw. _

_But she certainly got into it…  
No actual smex, but it gets pretty descriptive, and it's proper BL._

It was not a pretty sight. The 4th division barracks were filled with groaning shinigami and the acrid smell of disinfectant. The victory against the Espada and Aizen had cost the shinigamis a lot. Not just those fighting in Karakura, but also those who had gone to Hueco Mundo. Ishida Uryuu and Abarai Renji were among the casualties, and neither was awake yet. They had just been transported through the garganta and into the hospital wing. Both were gravely injured from the battle, but Ishida Uryuu's condition was worse. He'd lost his hand, and was bleeding fluently over the white sheets. Even the emergency kido that Hanatarou had administered couldn't quite suppress the flow.

The two had been put in separate rooms, quite far away from the other sick rooms under the concern that they could have come across poisons or viruses in their fight with Syzael Apporro Grantz. Thus when Renji finally opened his eyes, still groggy from the anaesthetic, there was no one around except for Ishida, who was still unconscious. The Quincy's breathing heavy and ragged, his thin chest heaving with strain as he tossed and turned in discomfort. Although the time was inappropriate, Renji could not help but think how much he wanted to hold the boy in his arms, to ease his pain, even if it meant the pain became his own…

Ishida's face was slightly flushed, and he was sweating in his fever. Getting up awkwardly, Renji wondered what he should do. He gingerly pulled the thin blanket off Ishida's body. The wounds were worse that he thought they were. Bloodstains had blossomed on his white clothing, and raw wounds, deep and red, were running all over Ishida's body. Renji didn't know much about healing wounds (not that he knew much anyway….) but he knew that he had to act quickly.

'Where are those damned 4th divisioners when you need them?' he thought, as he unrolled bandages and opened the disinfectant bottle. The sharp sting of the smell caught in his throat. Nervously, with trembling hands, he began to disinfect the deep cut on Ishida's side. It must have stung, as Ishida unconsciously groaned a weak little moan from the back of his throat. His spine arched slightly upwards instantly and fell back, and he was silent again.

Renji dropped the disinfectant bottle. This was not good.

The reaction from Ishida just now had brought about a very unwelcome change to his homeostasis. He would have preferred it to circulate the way it normally did, but his pituatry gland was ruling otherwise. His blood seemed to rocket towards a certain point in his body. Oh dear.

Stopping his animal instincts from getting the better of him just in time (after all, Ishida was severely injured, and any further physical activity would only do harm), Renji clenched his fists in frustration. He had no idea exactly what the cause was, or when it had happened, but recently his thoughts were drifting to Ishida, what he would look like when he just woke up in the morning, what he would look like in his pyjamas, what he would look like under his clothes………

He could no longer stand it. Hungrily, he licked at the wound just below the Quincy boy's neck, tenderly, in case it would wake him up. He did not want to be seen in this state. Sucking hard at the white flesh, he left red marks, almost as red as the wounds, down Ishida's body. Undoing the Quincy's belt, he hurriedly pulled back at the clothing…

* * *

Later, when Ishida regained consciousness, he felt a strange sense of relief and release. It was as though…no, it couldn't have happened.

Hanatarou walked into the room, holding his medical kit and smiling down upon Ishida. Renji was still asleep, his face facing the opposite direction. Hanatarou began to treat Ishida's wounds, disinfecting each cut thoroughly. But he discovered something strange. There were red marks all over the Quincy's body, and they definitely weren't cuts. Not bruises either.

"Hmm, they look like kis-"

Hanatarou was interrupted by severe coughing from Renji's direction.

* * *

_I feel bad for Hanatarou. Not a pleasant thing to think about._

_The crack will get even more random! Hope you look forward to the next installment!_

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End file.
